• A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra
• A termite walks into a saloon and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
• Five men walk into a bar... the sixth one ducks.
• A seal walks into a bar. “What are you drinking?” asks the bartender. “anything but a Canadian Club” said the seal.
• Tow truck sign, "Drink and Drive! We need the business!"
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A man is sitting at the bar when an absolutely beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "For fifty dollars I'll do anything you like."
The man starts going through his pockets looking for cash. He pulls out two twenties, and ten ones.
He takes the crumbled up cash and puts it into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint the exterior of my house.
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What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said, "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here!”
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I really like blackjack, but I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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A snake slithers into a tavern and the barman says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asked the snake.
The barman says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
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A guy walks into a bar with his 12-foot tall giraffe. They begin to drink and get very drunk. After about a dozen drinks, the giraffe stands up and then falls over. Then his drinking friend stands up as well, pays his bar bill and starts to walk out of the bar.
The bartender shouts, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' here!"
The man replies, "That's a giraffe, not a lion!"
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A dying drug addict called his three best friends to his bed-side and handed each of them an envelope containing $5,000 in cash. He made them promise that after his death and during his viewing, they would place the three enve-lopes in his casket. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy heaven.
A few days later the man died. At the viewing, the three friends each placed an envelope in the casket and said goodbye to their friend.
These three men met again a few months later. The first friend, feeling overwhelmed, blurted out a confession say-ing that there was only $1,000 in the envelope he put in the casket. He thought that rather than waste all the money, he would spend it on a trip to Panama to buy cocaine.
The next friend, moved by the confession of the first, said that he, too, had kept some of the cash for a wild party. His envelope, he fessed up, had only $350 in it. He said he could not bring himself to waste the money when it could be used to have a high time.
By this time the last friend, a pothead, spoke. "I am the on-ly one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the casket con-tained the full dollar amount. My envelope contained my personal check for the sum of $5,000."